


All These Things Out of Desparation

by cyanidegirl



Category: Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Dick blames himself for everything, Dick isn't coping well, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, I don't know what else to put here, M/M, Or Is It?, Post-Endgame, Six Degrees Of Separation, Songfic, The Script, Unrequited birdflash, What else is new, eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-02
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-24 07:19:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6145894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyanidegirl/pseuds/cyanidegirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the song by The Script.  Wally is gone and Dick is trying to move on, stumbling through his grief and guilt, trying to cope with losing not only his best friend, but the love of his life.  Not that anyone knows that, of course.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First, You Think The Worst is A Broken Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so when I heard this song for the first time, it was in a lovely and heartbreaking video and I thought "I need to write this" So here, I present thee with an angst ridden fic sure to at least hurt a little.

First, you think the worst is a broken heart

* * *

 

Dick couldn’t move.  He couldn’t think.  The chrysalis was gone and the earth was saved, but Wally...  He was right there and then he just- wasn’t.

_No, no not Wally.  Nononononononononononono-_

“Nightwing” Kaldur’s voice sounded so far away, Dick could feel a warm hand on his shoulder slowly dragging him from his dark thoughts that had begun to race and had trapped him in a continuous loop of _‘no’_.

“He’s gone,” Dick managed to choke out, barely audible as if he was scared that saying it too loud would make this real and final, that this wouldn’t be some horrible nightmare because _how could Wally just be gone like that?_

“ I..I am afraid so, my friend,” Kaldur replied, his own voice barely louder than Dick’s own, as if he too believed this was some horrible nightmare that they would all wake up from.  

 

The flight back from mount Justice was silent, Dick kept his head down focusing on his trembling hands in his lap. Refusing to look around and see the tear and grief stricken faces around him. If he concentrated he would vaguely be able hear the vibrations of The Flash who was struggling to keep his powers under control, but all dick could see was the memory of Wally simply _ceasing_ playing back over and over again.

* * *

 

_He was standing in the snow, wind howling in his ears as he watched his best friend racing to save the world, racing to catch up despite knowing that he knew he wasn’t as fast._

_It was always that never ending optimism that Dick had loved most.  That smile of his that always seemed to brighten the room, always seemed to help him feel just a little bit better no matter how bad things got. No matter how dark the nights seemed to get in Bludhaven, when he fell too deep into the mask Wally was there to pull him back.  He thinks it’s the first thing that made Dick fall in love with him._

_He could never say it out loud, he could barely admit it to himself, but he was.  Dick Grayson was hopelessly in love with Wally West, his best friend._

_He watched in horror as Wally began flickering, shifting between solid and transparent._

_He couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t do_ anything.  

_He watched as Wally turned his head and reached out to Dick, mouth beginning to form words that he would never get the chance to say, before disappearing forever._

Dick woke up with a start, covered in a cold sweat and panting, gasping for air as he struggled to get ahold of his surroundings. _He was home, he was safe, it was just a dream_ , he paused and closed his eyes... _if only it was just a dream._  He sat up and glanced at the clock next to his bed, frowning when he saw it was only two am.  

_Only two hours of sleep, I can’t keep doing this._

Shoving himself off the bed, he stumbled through his small apartment to the kitchen in the hope that maybe a glass of water would help calm him down enough to sleep again.  As if this hadn’t been the nightly routine in the month since Wally’s dea- _disappearance._

He couldn’t say the word dead, he couldn’t make this final yet.  It didn’t matter that the mantle of Kid Flash had been passed to Bart, or that there was the honorary hologram of Wally standing alongside Jason and Tula.  Despire knowing that Wally was gone and there would be no bringing him back, he just couldn’t say it.  Even at the small funeral the team had held, he just couldn’t accept it.

His mind kept running through the last moments, obsessing over every detail, analysing every aspect, trying to find some way that he could have saved him, trying to validate the belief that this was _all his fault_ .  He didn’t want to be the helpless little boy watching his parents fall, _couldn’t_ be that helpless little boy anymore. That’s why he became robin, the first partner to the bat, so he would never be that weak again…and.look how that had turned out, he had failed. again.

Everyone had tried to convince him otherwise, tried to tell him there was no way he could have known, nothing he could have done in time, but he knew better.  

Dick hadn’t been able to save the one person he loved most, and it was killing him.

He eyes trailed to the wall of his living room , he stared at the photo framed on the wall, of the team at Wally’s birthday party all those years ago. They were so innocent back then, none of them scarred from the wars and hardships they had now faced. His eyes stared at each of their smiling faces until they landed on the smiling Ginger, he clenched his fits and finally allowed himself to say it.

“Wally is dead, and I’m the only one to blame”


	2. What's Gonna Kill You Is the Second Part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was all the little things, all the small ways he missed him, that made moving on impossible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at me, updating in a timely fashion! I swear I'm gonna be good about updates guys, I promise. I won't be that author that finally updates after ten years. You laugh but I actually got an email the other day about a story that was last updated in 2006, and here in 2016 the author finally wrote the last three chapters. But enough rambling, to chapter two!

It hit him in ways that his parents’ death hadn’t.  After his parents had died, there hadn't been many things in his day to day life that had reminded him of them. Didn't mean that it had hurt any less to lose them, but losing Wally hurt in a way he wasn't used to, a way he didn't have the practice of dealing with. 

He felt as though the world was against him, everywhere he looked something reminded him of Wally, even in small everyday things that shouldn't hurt but  _ did _ . 

The TV had been mindlessly playing in the background  as he got ready for work, he hadn't even been paying attention until Godfrey’s segment had begun.  _ That _ had made him freeze. Wally hate-  _ used _ to hate this part of the news. He would make fun of Gordon mercilessly, back talking and shooting down every argument the man made. It had been bad enough that there was now a firm ‘no-Gordon-G-Godfrey-allowed-on-TV rule’ in place at the team's base, placed specifically to keep Wally from getting into a bad mood. Brooding was Connor’s job. 

He'd even gotten into a heated debate with the so-called reporter after saving him from a fire once. 

Dick turned the TV off and left for work. He didn't turn it on the next morning. 

* * *

It happened again when he ducked into a coffee shop on the way to work. He was late and rushing and hadn't paid attention to which shop he ran into. Dick Grayson had never been in this particular shop before, but Nightwing had.

It was a running thing with him and Wally when the speedster dropped by to join him on patrol. They would go in costume into a pizza place or coffee shop and grab something to snack on while they watched the city from a rooftop. This shop had been a regular for Nightwing and Kid Flash. 

Dick realized that he was blocking the door and quickly moved inside and to the side. No one seemed to have noticed his hesitation though. 

_ “Bro, I don't know how you drink that crap,” Wally complained, glaring at the ridiculous latte Dick held.  _

_ “And I don't know how you can drink coffee as bitter as batman, but here we are,” Dick replied, taking a sip from his own coffee _

Dick ordered his coffee black that morning. 

* * *

 

Dick closed the door to his apartment and just leaned back against it. It had been a very long, very boring day. He’d been stuck writing reports and filing paperwork at the station all day, and even something as mundane as  _ that _ had reminded him of Wally and how much he  _ hated _ writing reports. Wally had once joked late at night, sitting at the computer in the mountain writing up the latest mission, that the written reports would be the death of him. 

It seemed that everywhere he turned he was stuck facing some sort of reminder that Wally was gone, that he wasn't coming back. He was constantly reminded of how he had let their friendship drift apart, how he had let the missions get in the way  and how in love he still was with the red headed runner. 

He kept telling himself over and over that leaving the team after the reach mess was  cleaned up had been the right decision. After all, if just walking into a coffee shop he'd frequented with his friend had been that hard, how much would it hurt to not see him in the team they had built together?  

Not for the first time Dick had to wonder how everyone else seemed to be coping so well. Sure, they were all still grieving, but the team just kept going. Why couldn't he? Sometimes he felt mad and betrayed by them, how could they just move on so easily. They were all friends, they had all grown up together, but they didn't even seem upset.  Dick briefly wondered how Roy was doing. 

He kept up with his night job, patrolling Blüdhaven every night without fail, but only because it hurt less looking at streets Wally had once run down than to sit on his couch and remember every fit Wally had ever thrown about how Dick  _ had  _ to have been cheating at video games because  _ there's no way anyone is that good you asshole _ . 

The sound of his phone ringing dragged him out of his memories, and he fumbled a bit getting it out of his pocket. Looking at the screen, he saw it was Barbara and debated whether or not he could get away with not answering. She'd probably break through his window if he didn't. 

“Hey Babs,” he answered in, what he hoped, was a voice that sounded like he'd gotten more sleep than he actually had. 

“Hey Dick. Look, I'll cut right to the chase here. The team hasn't seen you since the Reach failed, and we’re planning a pizza and movie night this Friday.” He stifled a groan at what was surely another attempt to get him back on the team. “We want you to come. Gar misses you like crazy and M’gann is ready to break into your apartment with cookies, and don’t even get me started on Kaldur and Conner.” 

“I miss you guys too, but I'm swamped at the moment. I'll visit soon,” he promised. 

“Your excuses won't keep holding up, Dick.” Barbara sighed before hanging up. 

It probably wasn't healthy, avoiding the team like this, but neither was grappling across a city and fighting armed thugs with only two escrima sticks at his defense. 

Finally heading toward his bedroom, he began to unbutton his shirt and lazily pulled it over his head. He reached for his drawer to pull out another when he froze.  That wasn’t his shirt. 

_ “Dude, did you see how hard I kicked Black Mask’s ass?” Wally exclaimed, trying not to trip as he took off his suit.   _

_ “All I saw was you tripping over your own feet and face-planting in the middle of the fight,” Dick snickered. _

_ “It was a distraction tactic,” the red head defended, pulling on an old Central High T shirt. _

_ “Distraction tactic my ass, you’d think you’d have a handle on at least staying on your feet by now,” Dick muttered, not even bothering with a shirt. _

_ “Your ass is indeed a great distraction tactic, judging by the number of looks you get from girls while on patrol,” Wally waggled his eyebrows.  Dick had to fight the flush threatening to cover his face. _

_ “Just go to sleep already, Kid Idiot” _

The shirt still smelled like Wally, and Dick felt his chest tighten as his eyes started to water.  He closed his eyes and pulled the shirt on, hoping that maybe the scent could soften the blow of the nightmares.  Curling into a ball, he hugged his pillow to his chest before closing his eyes to what he was sure to be another sleepless night filled with nightmares.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the song itself never says what exactly is the second degree of separation, but I've always felt that it would be just seeing all the things in your life that reminded you of who you lost. And I draw from personal experience here. I'll never be able to look at a weather report without remembering how my grandfather could look at the sky, tell you what the weather would be, and be 100 percent correct. So that's what I feel the second part is.  
> Now would probably be a good time to toss in that, for this fic and the purpose of this story, I'm making it so Wally never left the team between seasons, and thus neither did Artemis. It made no sense in the show, and I will not have it. However, Wally and Dick did drift apart in their friendship, mainly because Dick's an idiot that doesn't know how to deal with his feelings and allowed his fear of ruining their friendship with said feelings ruin their friendship. Also very important: Dick and Wally are not dating at this point in time. I don't know if I've managed to make that clear, but they are very much not dating right now.  
> And once again, a lovely and huge thanks to the amazing illrobotyourunicorn from tumblr for editing and working with me on this. It's thanks to her that I managed to hit my goal of 1000 words for this chapter. I'm off to work on chapter 3 now! Let me know if there's anything you'd be interested in seeing and I'll see if I can work it in!


	3. And the Third, Is When Your World Splits Down the Middle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has a breaking point, and sometimes the only way to heal is to run headfirst into that point, to break down completely before you can put yourself back together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a bitch to write, but I did it and it hurt a lot. Grab some tissues and enjoy the chapter!

Dick should have known he couldn’t avoid Barbara forever.  She was Batgirl after all.  He probably should have expected her to break in and make him talk.  That’s just who she was.

Needless to say, he was not prepared to find her waiting for him in his apartment when he got home from the station.  She was sitting on the couch,  flicking through a magazine like she hadn’t just climbed  through the window.  It was such a bat thing to do.

“Y’know you could have at least called ahead,” he sighed.  She glanced up at him, smirking. 

“And what fun would there be in that?”

“I would have had the chance to clean up a bit at least,” he responded, pulling off his shoes and moving to the bedroom to change, “maybe buy some food or something.”

“I took care of the food situation, although I feel as though it is important to remind you that Alfred would be horrified at the amount of takeout and cereal you’re eating, no grown man should be living on chinese and lucky charms.” Babs countered, turning back to her magazine while Dick changed out of his work clothes.  Dick held his tongue and decided against correcting her, that he infact hadn’t been eating just cereal and takeout, in reality he’d hardly been eating anything at all. He pulled on jeans and a T shirt, very pointedly ignoring the shirt he had slept in last night.  No need to break down so early in the evening.

“Alfred probably knows, it’s his superpower,” Dick walked back out to join Babs on the couch.

“Along with putting tea in your hands without you even knowing,” Babs responded, smiling fondly at the thought of the man.

The room was silent for a few minutes, Dick not really knowing what to say that could keep the redhead from worrying.  He clenched his fists and fidgeted.  He half expected a lecture.  

“All right boy wonder, time to get down to business,” she put down her magazine, turning to face him, “you will be taking the night off,” Dick began to object but she cut him off and continued talking.  “I don’t want to hear any complaints.  You haven’t gotten a proper night’s sleep in months Dick, I can tell.” She very pointedly looked him in the eyes and the dark purple and black bruises, from lack of sleep, under them. “You’re running yourself too thin, and I know that it’s, like, a requirement for running with the B man, but you need a break.  You need to take a night to relax.”

“There’s no fighting you on this, is there?” Dick already knew the answer and he didn't like it. She didn’t understand, he had to patrol, to let out his anger, he needed to feel the burn in his legs from running across rooftops, the strain in his shoulder as the grapple line goes taut and the ache of bruised knuckles.  He needed the distraction.  But he all he could do was play along and do his best to seem better so when she went and reported back to Bruce about his condition they wouldn’t know how bad it really was. 

“Nope,” she smirked.

He reached up and rubbed at his eyes “Well, what’ve you got planned?” 

“I ordered some pizza,” her smirk softened then, “and I figure you really need a chance to get  _ him _ out of your system”  Dick looked away as she said that, muscles tensing.  She frowned and grabbed his hand, forcing him to look back.  “Dick, you haven’t talked to anyone since he died,” how could she say it so easily? How could she be over it already? How could any of them be over it?  “You just left the team and shut yourself off, you’re doing exactly what you did when Jason died.  You’re allowed to reach out for help Dick, We’re all here for you.” Dick clenched his fists because, yeah he is but the person who pulled him out of it last time isn’t here anymore. Dick breathed out a sigh of relief as the knock at the door came, stopping him from blurting out something he knew he would regret. 

Babs sighed as if she knew he was about to say something important but slowly stood from the couch “That’ll be the pizza, I’ll get it.  You go grab the soda I brought from the fridge,”

Dick slowly walked to the kitchen, the voices of Babs and the delivery boy fading into the background as he got further away. Once he was safely in the kitchen, out of eye shot, he leant against the wall and slowly slid down to the ground. He placed his head between his knees and forced himself to breath deeply. Squeezing his eyes shut as memories of Wally slowly coaxing him out the dark hole he had dug himself into after Jason’s death filled his head.  He dug his nails into his arms, clinging to the pain to ground himself, to bring him back to reality before he got lost in the dark corners of his own mind. After a few minutes he was able to pull himself up and over to the fridge to grab the drinks. As he reached out to open the door he looked down and noticed how hard his hands were shaking, he quickly retracted his hand and held it against his chest. Once again breathing deeply, using every calming technique Bruce had ever taught him to pull it together before Babs got suspicious and came looking for him.  He couldn’t let her see him like this. 

He walked back out to the living room to see Babs sitting on the couch with the pizza sitting on the coffee table in front of her. He sat down next to her and passed her a can of coke while she put a slice of pizza on the two plates. He looked at the piping hot pizza on the plate in front of him and could already feel his stomach rumble in protest. But he was well aware of Babs watching his every move, this must be another test, to see if he would eat it or make an excuse. He wouldn’t let her and Bruce win, so he slowly brought the pizza to his mouth and took a bite, then quickly ate the rest before he could think about it. He looked at Babs out the corner of his eyes and saw that she looked satisfied, so she picked up her own and began to chew with a thoughtful look on her face before she burst out laughing, pizza flying everywhere. Dick just stared at her strangely before she said “Remember that time Wally changed the zeta tube names and you were ‘hot pants’ Roy was ‘Ginger Spice’?  Then Hal and Barry came to the cave and the computer announced  **‘** Kermit **’** and   **’** Speedy Gonzalez **’** and I thought they were going to kill Wally once they caught him, but then when Batman came to help out with training the computer announced  ‘Some Guy in a Bat Suit’ and oh his face “ But Babs couldn't even finish because she was laughing so hard. Of all the things Dick had expected her to say, it definitely wasn't that.  He surprised himself when he managed a laugh remembering the incident. Wally had remained paranoid for months that the Bat would kill him, and would checked every shadow in the room obsessively before calming down. 

Dick let out a small laughed again “Then after a couple months I asked Bruce if he was actually going to do anything and he just smirked and asked just how paranoid Wally had become” Babs joined him in his laughter, remembering the moment they had shared in the batcave. 

 

“Remember that time Wally bet that he could run through every room in the base before you finished eating your pizza?” Barbara managed between laughs.  They’d been trading stories about Wally as they ate.  They mostly stuck to funny ones, but that was okay.  That’s who Wally had been, someone ready to try and help  _ anyone _ laugh, and if he could be a hero while doing it, it was all the better.

“Oh god, I still can’t believe I agreed to that,” Dick choked out, “I was such an idiot, thinking I could eat faster than he could run, even if he had to walk into each room since he couldn’t just phase through,”

“And you were trying so hard to eat that slice of pizza that when he came up behind you you started choking,”  she replied, the pair of them dissolving into laughter.  Dick hadn’t felt this... good in a while.  Hadn’t laughed this hard since the last time he and Wally had hung out, which was too long ago.  

“The shenanigans you two would get into, I swear to God,” Barbara sighed.

“Have you heard about the time we managed to get hot pink paint all over the batmobile?” he asked.  Barbara’s eyes bulged.

“Oh my god you guys did  _ what _ ?”

“It all started with a dare,” Dick began..

_ “I’ll bet five bucks you can’t walk on your hands with that can of paint balanced on your feet” Wally grinned.  They’d been daring each other with various acts of stupidity while waiting in the batcave for some training with Batman. _

_“And I’ll bet you five bucks I can,” Dick answered, grinning like he’d already won.  And he might have, had the speedster not cheated.  Just as he was about to finish the agreed upon period of thirty seconds, Wally sped by and tickled his stomach, of all things.  Naturally Dick’s arms jerked and the acrobat tipped over, paint can spilling.  This would have been fine and utterly hilarious had it not been for what_ _Dick fell against._

_ The batmobile.   _

_ They both froze, gaping at the sight of the hot pink paint (why they even had pink paint in the cave was beyond their imagination) splattered over the dark knight’s most intimidating weapon. _

_ “We’re so fucking dead,” Dick groaned.  _

“How the fuck are you still alive?” Barbara sat, eyes wide at the thought of the freaking  _ batmobile _ covered in hot pink paint.

“Wally, the dedicated bro that he i- _ was _ ,” Dick managed to only stumbled a little on the tense there, “threw himself right under the bus for me.  Claimed he’d been an idiot running around the cave and had, with his usual grace, tripped and spilled the paint.”  Dick explained.  Barbara was laughing so hard she had to wipe a tear from her eye.  

“I swear, you two were so close you could have dated!” She exclaimed.  Dick’s smile faltered, only for a second, and his eyes teared up the tiniest bit, but that was all Barbara needed to see.  Her grin faded, realization growing in her eyes.

“You really loved him, didn’t you?” She asked, voice gentle, hand moving to cover his own.  Dick had to take a moment to figure out how to breathe before answering, and still he stuttered.

“Y-yeah,” he choked out, eyes tearing up further despite his best efforts, he closed them tight to make sure he didn’t let them fall.  

“Oh Dick,” Barbara whispered before pulling him into a bone crushing hug.  She wanted to find whatever part of the universe was responsible for ripping everyone Dick loved away from him, for constantly kicking him right when he started to get back up and make them regret it.  But the best she could do was hold him.  “Let it out Dick, talk to me,” she pleaded.  He shook, a full body tremor and she felt her shoulder grow wet as he finally let himself mourn.  

“I-I never told him,” Dick admitted, suddenly feeling so  _ tired _ of lying and omitting the truth, “I never told him because I was so damn  _ terrified _ of losing him.  I didn’t want to risk our friendship.  So I tried to make sure everything between us was strictly platonic, but I ended up being too distant.  It’s my own fault we drifted apart before the invasion.  I was so stupid,” he sobbed angrily, “I let my own fear come between us and I never got the chance to fix it before he died.  He was my best friend and I let him go”  Dick was crying heavily now, and Barbara felt her heart breaking again, more than she thought it could.  “I can’t even walk around my own apartment without being reminded of how he’d complain when I beat him at games, and how much I loved that stupid pouting face he’d make when he lost.  I walked into a fucking coffee shop and almost lost it because we’d go there during patrol and he’d always tease me about whatever I got and I never cared because his smile fixed everything.  He was always so ready to just  _ help _ people, no matter what the situation he always hoped for the best.  It’s what made me fall in love with him in the first place, that overwhelming optimism. But now he’s gone and i feel like the only one who cares and i can’t do it without him Babs ”  

There was nothing Barbara could say, no magic words to fix this.  So she did the only thing she could do, she held him as he let it out.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I'd like to start off thanking my beta reader illrobotyourunicorn.tumblr.com for helping me flesh this whole thing out, as well as correcting me every time I forgot to write about Wally in the past tense. I'm just as bad as Dick is, I'm afraid. I'd also like to thank istoleyourfoot.tumblr.com for letting me bounce ideas off her. She has told me that my ideas killed her an now I have to pay for her funeral.  
> I am having a blast writing this, and I've got about three more chapters to write, with perhaps a small epilogue chapter tossed in. We'll see.  
> I plan to update soon, trust me this story is on my mind 24/7 so no chance of me forgetting it. If there's anything you guys wanna see happen, shoot me a message or leave a comment and I'll consider it for future chapters! If you have any fic prompts you'd like me to write or anything, don't be scared to tell me!  
> See you all in the next chapter!


	4. And Fourth, You're Gonna Think That You Fixed Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dick gets a late night visitor, but everything's going to be fine right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit I am so sorry guys this chapter tried to kill me. I won't keep you long here go forth and read!

And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself.

* * *

 

      He was running. He felt like he'd always been running, could barely remember  _ not _ running. Brief flashes of blue eyes and dark hair breaking through his memory of the endless yellow light all around him.  **Something in him felt guilty, like there was another pair of eyes he should be remembering** . He suddenly felt guilty, like there was something or someone he should remember. It was the same part that felt like there was more to him than the running, like there was a world aside from the yellow light and howling wind. 

      And then he saw it, a break in the yellow. It wasn't anything special, just a stretch of pure white large enough to be noticeable, but  it made that part of him that remembered bright blue eyes stir. Made that part of him start screaming to  _ run that way _ . The screaming grew until he couldn't ignore it, and he listened without even realizing. The white grew larger as he got closer, soon big enough that he knew he could fit through it.  Almost all of him wanted to turn away, go back to the endless running, but some tiny part of him kept fighting. He focused on the small part of himself that wanted to follow the light , he had to find out whose eyes he kept seeing through the yellow haze clouding his mind. 

      Wally pushed faster as he neared the white crack and ran through, he grit his teeth to hold back his scream, he felt like every particle in his body was slowly being ripped apart. But he kept pushing though the void, he didn't know why but he just had to get out, no matter the pain. It felt like years of agony to him but he knew that it had only been minutes until he burst through the crack only to be greeted by a never ending expanse of white. He fell to his knees shaking with pain and exhaustion, trying to breathe and get his body under control. He finally managed to slowly stand on aching legs. He looked around and immediately realized where he was, the  Antarctic, then he remembered he had just stopped the last bomb with Uncle Barry and Bart.  He glanced around, expecting to see Uncle Barry and  Bart's smiling faces or the team with Miss M’s ship, but all he saw was  the never ending white snow and blue sky. 

_       What the hell? Where’d everyone go? _

      He went to try his communicator and frowned when all he got was static. 

_       I'm too far out of range _

      There was only one thing to do, run, even though the thought of running made him nauseous. He was about to start but as he looked down he saw his costume was ripped and torn, not to mention he could count all his ribs, his hip bones stuck out and his legs look like they were just bones…. _ what was going on? he shouldn't look like this, running around the chrysalis wouldn't have taken that much energy _ . Wally just breathed, he just needed to find the team and he could figure out what was going on, he had been running all his life, he could manage it one more time. He got ready to run, and he wasn't sure why, but he immediately knew where he was going; the last person he remembered seeing, Dick Grayson. He pulled up the GPS on his wrist, putting in coordinates for Blüdhaven. Wally took off running, reflecting back on what he now realized was an unknown amount of time in what must have been the speed force. Uncle Barry had described it to him once, an endless expanse of Yellow and the all consuming desire to do nothing but run. Not much was known about the speed force, only that speedsters’ powers came from it and that it was possible for a speedster to get drawn in and stuck if they ran too fast. Barry had only gotten out because hawk woman had managed to find a gap and pulled him out. The  _ chrysalis  _ power attacking him must have reacted with the speed force energy around Wally when he was running and opened a door into the speedforce. 

      He knew now whose eyes he’d remembered, and why he'd felt guilty remembering them. Wally had managed to fight the speed force's influence and remember Dick, his friend, rather than Artemis, his girlfriend. And here he was, running to Dick. 

      Night fell and Blüdhaven came into view, a dirtier and darker city than Gotham had ever been. It still amazed Wally that Dick willingly fought to help such a deeply corrupt place, but then again, that's who Dick was. The desire to help people was as much a part of him as his acrobatic abilities, and Blüdhaven would certainly keep that desire filled. 

      Wally’s stomach rumbled and black spots danced around his eyes,  he knew he'd need to eat if he didn't want to collapse on Dick’s doorstep. That would probably freak Dick out more than anything, . He spotted a coffee shop and slowed down, taking in the sight of what was a favorite stop for Nightwing and Kid Flash. He walked in and realized he had no cash on him, hesitating before another rumble came from his stomach. 

      “Haven't seen you in a while,” the owner grinned as he walked toward the counter.  He felt warm, welcomed by a familiar face. 

      “I've been a bit busy,” he replied “I need to ask a favor. I need a dozen bagels, but I don't have any cash on me. I promise I'll pay you back the next time I drop in, but I really need fuel.” He felt bad not being able to pay. 

      “It's nothing,” the owner waved his hand, moving to gather the bagels. “Just tell that friend Nightwing of yours to stop moping around, he's been running himself ragged. We're grateful for the increased patrols, but even he needs a break.”

      Wally thanked the man and left, speed-eating the bagels, he knew it wouldn't sustain him for long based on his current condition but it would have to do. He thought back to the owner's words, if even the citizens had noticed a change in Nightwing’s behavior, Wally knew something was very wrong. He sped off to Dick’s apartment, taking care to go through the window since he was in costume, and punched in the security code so the alarm wouldn't blare. 

      The living room was empty, and what he could see of the kitchen was as well. The room felt cold, unlived in. That was definitely a reason to worry, since Dick tended to make friends no matter where he went. 

      Wally walked into the kitchen, pausing at the fact that the stove looked just the slightest bit  _ dusty _ . He knew Dick was in no way a cook, but he'd at least used the stove to heat up canned soup when they hung out. 

       He felt uneasy walking to the bedroom, pausing at the door that stood ajar. 

_       Why am I freaking out? This is my best friend, I should be in there already! _

      He pushed the door open, and froze. Dick had heard him, damn bat training, and was standing defensively, escrima sticks in hand. He was wearing a button up shirt and slacks, unusually dressy for Dick.  And his eyes, they were what really chilled him. They were just the slightest bit red, a sign that Dick had been crying, and they were full of pain and disbelief….and….dull.  

      Wally swallowed the lump in his throat and managed to push out a “Hey,”, he realized that he really had no idea what to say.

* * *

      It had been a long day for Dick. It was the six month anniversary of Wally’s death, and to be honest he probably wouldn't have been able to get out of bed if it hadn't been for Barbra. She had shown up and convinced him to come to Wally’s grave with her. He'd dragged himself from his apartment and sat in front of the stone. He’d cried and talked, begging for this all to be a dream. After an hour he had managed to pull himself together and he thanked Barbara for helping him before turning to leave.  She'd been a godsend really, despite not being able to pull him out of the grief like Wally had, she'd given him an ear to talk to.

      He sat on his bed now, staring at a picture of him and Wally on the day they'd first met, instant friends regardless of the masks. He could feel tears pricking at his eyes again, and was about to wipe them away when he heard the living room window slide open. Every inch of him stilled, reflexes from years of training with Bruce kicking in immediately. He put the picture down slowly, leaning down to grab his spare escrima sticks from under the bed. The alarm hadn't gone off, so it was either one of the bats or highly skilled thief. He was leaning toward thief. 

      He could hear the person shuffling through the living room, then the kitchen. He took a defensive stance, ready to kick the intruder’s face in. The shuffling paused at his door, and he could see their silhouette through the gap he'd left open. He tensed, escrima raised.  And then….Wally walked in. 

      He could feel the color draining from his face, couldn't breathe or think through the shock. He looked the same as he had the day he'd ceased, hair a wild shock of red and eyes an electrifying green. It was always his eyes that took Dick’s breath away, always full of life, sparkling when he smiled. They were full of worry now, and Dick realized he probably looked a mess. 

      “Hey,” came Wally’s voice, and  it was the same as ever, if a bit tired. Him speaking was what shook Dick from his thoughts, and Dick went right back on defense. Wally was dead, this had to be a fake. 

      “Who are you?” He asked. This fake Wally probably wouldn't give him a real answer, but giving him a chance to be honest felt nice.  Felt like what Wally used to do with the rogues in Central. Fake Wally seemed surprised, and pulled off his cowl. That made Dick even more nervous, whoever the imposter was, they knew Wally’s secret ID. They knew Dick's as well, judging by the fact that they were in his apartment instead of coming to him while he was on patrol. 

      “Dude, it's me. Who else would it be?” Fake Wally asked, sounding offended. Dick shook his head. 

      “Not possible. Kid Flash is dead, has been dead for six months now. Whoever you are, if you're trying to trick me it won't work. How dare you use him to get to me, you sick bastard”  Dick ignored the way his voice had slightly cracked as he said dead, focusing instead on trying to glare the imposter down. 

      Fake Wally looked shocked, if a bit hurt.  Dick took a moment to assess the person standing in front of him y, noting that they looked gaunt.  There were countless tears in the bright yellow uniform and he could probably count the ribs on this guy.  There was a good chance he wouldn’t be able to walk across the room, let alone fight, but Dick wasn’t going to lower his guard.

      “Dude, I swear on Ollie’s chili that I’m Wally.” Fake Wally said, putting his hands up, “go on, ask me anything”

      Dick weighed his options, and decided he’d humor the impostor.  But what to ask?

     “What present did I get for my mother on her birthday?” He asked, deciding on something that he had only ever told Wally.  Not even Bruce would know the answer without some serious detective work.  A part of him really hoped that this was Wally, but he didn’t want to hurt himself.  

      “Oh that’s easy,” fake Wally grinned, but as he did so his body seemed to crumple and he quickly leaned against the wall to hold himself up. Dick felt himself tense as if to go and support him but he held himself back….. _ this wasn't Wally _ . As if knowing what he was thinking the fake Wally gave him a pained smile as he answered“you got her a gold bracelet with two robins on it.  It was special ‘cause that’s what she used to call you.  Her little robin”  the fake Wally smiled sadly at him.  Dick caught himself beginning to slowly lowering his escrima sticks,  _ it couldn't be, it was impossible….but he had answered correctly _ , now he had to decide whether it was enough. “Not to interrupt your bat-training induced brooding,” possibly Fake Wally said, “but I’ve been running nonstop for six months apparently and if I don’t get some serious food and possible medical attention I’m gonna pass out and miss a tearful reunion”  

      Dick’s breathed out to calm himself and decided that the guy seemed trustworthy enough, and lowered his escrima sticks the rest of the way.  He led maybe Wally to the kitchen and let him have at the fridge.  He wondered if there would be enough food, in all honesty he still wasn’t eating as much as he should, but with Barbara badgering him into restocking his kitchen every week he had some in there..  The more he watched maybe Wally eat, the more he picked up on the small mannerisms that he’d known the real Wally to have.  The way he could never keep completely still and as a result he would shake his leg when sitting down, or the placement of the freckles on his cheek.  By the time all his food had been finished, Dick was ready to accept that this was Wally,  _ his  _ Wally.  

      His brain finally caught up to what he was seeing right in front of him “It really is you,” he whispered, suddenly terrified that this was just some nightmare, that his mind had found a new way to torture him over Wally’s death. He would wake up screaming and  be back in his room, covered in sweat and…..alone.      
  


      Wally stopped eating and relief flooded his eyes, and he smiled.

      “Yeah, it really is me” Wally whispered back, and Dick  slowly took a step forward and reached out with a shaking hand. He placed it on Wally’s chest, right where the flash symbol was,  _ he’s real, he’s not a dream, you can feel him _ . He reached out with his other hand and pulled wally to his chest, holding tightly onto Wally. His whole body was shaking as Wally wrapped his arms around him, Dick felt as though they were holding him together. “You were dead,” he breathed, “you were dead and I couldn’t save you.  You were just, gone and none of us could do anything.” He felt silent tears fall down his cheeks as memories flooded his mind.  Wally held him, almost saying  _ I’m here, I’m real.  _

      Eventually Dick  was able to to pull himself together and calmed down.  Once he had, he took a good look at the state Wally was in, and felt incredibly stupid. 

      “Jesus Wally, I'm sitting here crying and forgetting that you need some serious medical attention. I'll grab you some clothes and we can head to a zeta tube.” Dick left to go get ready before turning back and adding, “no running anywhere until you seen a doctor”  Wally dramatically placed a hand over his heart and a hurt look crossed his face. 

      “Take all the fun out of this why don't you?” Wally exclaimed, but as he did so his face immediately contorted into a wince, the hand resting on his heart clenched tightly and he let the wall beside him support most of his body weight “maybe you’re right”. Dick shook his head and quickly  went to grab a shirt and pants for Wally.  He very pointedly avoided the central high shirt that lay discarded next to his bed.   He knew Wally might prefer that one, because it might actually fit him, but it needed a wash as a result of the many nightmares he hand been plagued with last night while wearing it. 

      After the painful process of Wally changing, Dick grabbed a pair of sunglasses and led Wally out of his apartment.  He hoped his motorcycle would be safe enough to bring them to the Blüdhaven zeta tube. 

      “You got enough energy to hold on to me?” He asked, noting yet again just how tired and ragged Wally looked. 

      “I managed to run from the Antarctic to here, I think I can manage a trip to your warehouse,” Wally replied with a cocky grin on his face but inside Wally could feel himself start to sag and his vision began to blacken around the edges.  Dick noticed Wally's balance going awry and decided it would be better to put Wally in front of him so he could make sure he wouldn't fall off.  He tried to keep Wally awake on the ride to his warehouse, but the speedster was just too injured and out of energy. 

      Dick ended up having to carry a passed out Wally into the zeta tube. If Dick wasn't worried about Wally’s health and the fact he needed medical attention immediately, he might have taken a moment to enjoy being able to hold the man he loved in his arms before he was taken away by his family and…...girlfriend. The watchtower was quiet when he entered, which made sense since it was the nighttime monitor’s shift. If Dick was remembering correctly, Dinah was on duty tonight.  

      “Black Canary! I need a bed in the med bay ready immediately!” He called out, rushing through the central hub to the hallway he knew would take him to the med bay. 

      “Dick, what's wrong? Who’s hurt-” Dinah trailed off as she took in the sight of a very battered Wally passed out in Dick's arms.  She looked back up to Dick's face, like she could read his eyes if she stared at his sunglasses hard enough. 

      “It's him, I promise, I made sure it was him before I even did anything else” he said, knowing right away what she'd be thinking.  She nodded and started rushing with him to the med bay, calling orders into her earpiece as they went.  A stretcher and two doctors were waiting for them when they got there, whisking Wally away the second Dick laid him down. 

      He stood there for a minute, staring at the door they had gone through and let his mind run through all the ways he could lose Wally again tonight. Black Canary’s hand on his shoulder brought him back, and together they set about alerting Batman, the Flash, Green Lantern, and everyone else they felt should know.  Their speedster was back, as long as he made it through the night. 

_       Don't you dare leave me again, kid idiot.  _

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I say again: this chapter tried to kill me. The words came to life and I had to fight them I'm serious. I really am sorry for the wait guys, it took me time to figure out how to get the chapter structured and then I realized I needed to rewrite the entire ending and yeah, it was a doozy. But it is done now and our favorite speedster is back! Once again many thanks to my editor illrobotyourunicorn.tumblr.com she is a goddess and she's the reason I made the ending better. Don't forget to comment on what you liked and didn't like, feedback let's me know if what I'm doing is working! I'll see you in the next chapter, happy reading!

**Author's Note:**

> So here is the video this all stemmed from, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z00yzTSKACQ , much thanks to the creator. I will try and update often, but I want this to be well written. This is the first fic I've written literally in years and I want to do right by it. I promise to make the next chapters longer, but I think the length is fitting for just the first chapter. If you'd like to help me proofread this story as I write, hit me up at cyanide-gurl.tumblr.com ! Much thanks to illrobotyourunicorn from tumblr for her editing suggestions!


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